I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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