omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
