turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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