Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
