True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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