D3 body, D1 cock
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
false alarm. still invincible.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We had sex on a dog bed..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize