Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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