I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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