were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
