Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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