look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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