so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
