Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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