You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
