Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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