mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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