My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
