I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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