I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
