i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
