I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize