You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
