remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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