You smell like stripper and shame
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
