I just pynch a tree in the face
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
now i know why i became what i already was.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
