So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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