Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
