Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
