just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Sorry about my life...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
