There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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