when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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