At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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