can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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