So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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