we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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