I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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