It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
