it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
