I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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