a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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