ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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