I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
