How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
