My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
