Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Duck Duck Cougar?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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