Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
