yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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