My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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