So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
