I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
