New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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