i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
