I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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