david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
