Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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