Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
