Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
my liver is dry heaving
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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