I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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